my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
