You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
