Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
