Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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