How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
