dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize