Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Mom said you looked used
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
