Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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