I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
