You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
