I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
