he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
