burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
