Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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