but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
