How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
