True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
