its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
