apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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