I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
