how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
