I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
