So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
