My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you had me at cake vodka
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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