just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
why is half of my head shaved?
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