I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
