I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
