Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
