Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
