She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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