Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
