someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
