Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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