im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
