So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
