i already hear my dad disowning me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
