There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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