Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
