I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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