I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize