dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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