two words: eviction party
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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