Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
