i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
