I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
