He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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