He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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