I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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