first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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