i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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