If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize