If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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