I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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