You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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