dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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