My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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