the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
