Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
