You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it was like his penis was on wheels.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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