Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize