I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
