I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize