Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
