You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
ttyl tear gas
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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