My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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