The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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