I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
